Dear Me

This is a letter that is basically advice from who I hope to be in the future to the person I am now. Enjoy!

Sweet Girl, 

I want to first start by telling you I know you will get through this. When things are bleak and seem hopeless, God is always by your side. I know you think that is so cheesy. You can’t see God, He can’t physically touch you to comfort you like the many men that have been in your life. But He can touch your heart, your soul.

He is with you those nights you are crying from a shattered heart because another guy has let you down.

He hears you when you ask why He puts desires on your heart that he hasn’t filled.

He sees you desperately trying to do anything you can to find joy and pleasure only to be disappointed the next day.

Be patient. I know you hate hearing that. You’ve been patient for years. Everyone around you seems so happy with their lives, they have boyfriends, fiancé’s, husbands, and children. Everything you think you want right now.

But you aren’t ready.

Use this time to read your Bible, even when you don’t want to. Get on your knees and pray. It will feel awkward at first, but it is so freeing. I know you feel like you don’t want to be around people or go to church. You don’t feel like you belong there because of your tainted past.

Know this, you are forgiven.

Those people love you and care for you far more than you can ever know. And even when you don’t want to be around them, do it anyway. You will thank me later.

Be diligent and do these things and you will find God, your father, your friend, and bring you more joy than you can imagine.

You are beautiful, smart, funny, loving, talented and you are the daughter of the King.

Never, ever, EVER live as if you are anything less. 

Consequences

Sooner or later, there are consequences to our actions. I see my roommate living how she wants to, sleeping with two different guys, getting drunk almost every night, and she has no one to hold her accountable, and has not had to experience any repercussions to the way she is living.

Sometimes I envy that about her, but then I quickly become thankful that there are so many people in my life that I have to hold me accountable and to keep me responsible for my actions.

Lindsay came over the other night and I had to confess to her the parts of the contract I had violated. Most recently it was the drinking. As a youth leaders we sign a contract saying that we will not get drunk, which I clearly violated this past weekend and a number of other times this year.

Another rule we have is no co-ed sleepovers and no sex out of marriage, which I also have violated numerous times during the ministry.

To me, this makes me feel like a terrible person, but one thing I’ve been told multiple times this week is that I’m worth more than the way I’m living, and God wants so much more for me.

Lindsay and I spoke about what the next steps were in this process to help me heal and come back to the youth ministry.

The first step will to be to meet with Mark, which is very intimidating. However, I broke the contract, and I need to ask for his forgiveness and tell him how I plan to change.

Overall, the talk was great, it’s nice to know so many people care and want to help me and that they still want me to be apart of this ministry that I love so much.

As I said before, I’m trying so hard to focus on God and I have been constantly asking Him to fill me and for me to have a true desire to spend time in prayer and in the Word.

Consequences honestly just suck. There is no better way to put it. But I PROMISE, it’s much better to learn sooner rather than later, because trust me, the time will come when we will ultimately have to answer to someone.