That Night

In my previous post I wrote a bit about a night that recently turned my life around. For those who have grown up in the church, we’ve heard that our God is jealous. How true I’ve come to realize that is. I’ve seen how he has stripped me of friends, men I was involved with, even my position in the church, ultimately to bring me crawling back to Him.

Losing my position in the youth ministry is what has hurt the most during this process. I loved the girls I was mentoring and the feeling I got from serving them. I’ve seen that even good things can get in the way of our relationship with God. Just because something is “good” does not mean it can replace our relationship with God.

That Saturday night I went to a bar with my roommate and had far too much to drink.

I remember talking to a few people, getting a couple of free drinks and then everything gets fuzzy except for three distinct scenes.

The first was fighting with my roommate and her leaving me at the bar.

The second was throwing up on the bathroom floor.

The final scene I was on the phone with my friend,  Samantha, throwing up on the sidewalk, sitting next to some guy I met that night.

Then I was laying on my couch in my bathrobe Sunday morning.

A friend came and picked me up to help me find my car and I spent the majority of the day on the couch in and out of consciousness.

I received a text from the man in charge of me at the youth ministry later in the afternoon saying we needed to meet and that’s when I knew I had to confess. I called my Bible study leader, Jessie, and told her what had happened even though she had already heard from Samantha. She encouraged me to meet with Lindsay, the woman mentor at the youth ministry since I was too scared to meet with Mark, the man who ministers it. I called her, and told her what happened, even though she already knew. I told her I knew I could not lead my small group of middle school girls honestly and had broken the contract that I signed at the beginning of this year and my time there last year.

What happened the next few days will be saved for the next post, since this one is pretty long already. But I will leave you with this: One thing I know is I am worth more than this, and I’m looking forward to when God will be more than enough for me and I won’t need to indulge in worldly pleasures to occupy a void I know only He can fill.

Inspiration

I am a terribly broken person. Only a few people would know this because I, like many people, have hidden it so well. I would say just recently I hit rock bottom, but I don’t want to say that for the fear that it could always be worse. The story of my self-destruction will be for a later post. I would, however, like to share a passage from Hosea that I read after the whole ordeal happened. One of the mentors at my church that I ran to recommended I read it, and as I did, I saw my reflection in the words.

“Therefore I will take away my grain when it ripens, and my new wine when it is ready. I will take back my wool and my linen, intended to cover her nakedness. So now I will expose her lewdness before the eyes of her lovers; no one will take her out of my hands. I will stop all her celebrations; her yearly festivals, her New Moons. Her Sabbath days – all her appointed feasts. I will ruin her vines and her fig trees, which she said were her pay from her lovers; I will make them a thicket and wild animals will devour them. I will punish her for the days she burned incense to the Baals; she decked herself with rings and jewelry, and went after her lovers, but me she forgot, declares the Lord.” Hosea 2:9-13

That has been me, the past week, month, and year. I have forgotten the Lord and sought satisfaction in everything except Him. I’m like a child who doesn’t listen when their mother tells them not to touch the hot burner on a stove. But I can’t help it, no matter how many times I get burned, I continue to reach out my hand.

The next verses in Hosea are more promising, more uplifting.  It’s the promise God has made to me, the promise I’m now taking comfort in. I think part of me is still resisting, still recovering.

My Bible study leader, Jessie, has told me numerous times she needs God to break her before she learns to rely solely on him. Until a few days ago, I didn’t realize I too needed to be terribly, terribly broken to start this journey back to the one who is forever pursuing me.